Track 4: Annie

ANNIE POSTER FB.jpg

I unintentionally made anxiety a character through this song. Anxiety is not a personality trait, and I was tired of feeling like the symptoms of anxiety were parts of me. People would think that it was in my personality to be quiet, stand offish, seclude and mopey; but I would only leave the party early because I had burning pains in my chest and couldn't breathe properly- just like anyone would do if they were sick. 

But anxiety is a recluse. It can be easily seen as a part of you because it is a mental illness so it effects your behavior. I didn't want to become anxiety. I didn't want it stealing parts of me: my love and drive to be a good friend, to be connected to the people around me, to be enthusiastic and supportive. I felt drained of myself and hidden away.  

When people would see those parts of me show up and say things like, "Wow, your really growing and coming out of your shell;” and I always wanted to say to them, “This is who I've always been. I've just been sick. Nobody feels like themselves when they are sick." But it always felt like I was being put in a place of having to be super vulnerable on the spot and so I stayed quiet about it.

Thus the reason for creating the character Annie. It was a chance to see it all from the outside and evaluate what it was. To look something in the face, be honest, break down, get angry, sad or whatever I needed to do. And to stop myself from spiraling through self hatred. Knowing that I am not anxiety saved me from falling into a constant pattern of self deprecation.